Instructions I Forget Midway

by Hawenayo

 

1. Wake.

2. Form plan.

3. Lose plan while standing up.

4. Remain upright anyway.

5. Recall obligations:

appointment time (uncertain),

medication (already late),

someone to notify (name unavailable).

6. Open mouth to rehearse explanation.

Abort.

Too many variables.

Outcome cannot be predicted.

7. Move body through room.

Feet scrape carpet.

Air too dry.

Movement succeeds.

Purpose does not load.

8. Hold list in mind:

keys

phone

medication

water

appointment at—

(List fails to load.)

9. Wait briefly for list to return.

Nothing returns.

Weight remains.

10. Check time.

Check again.

Time has moved without asking.

11. Attempt to reconcile time with plan.

Plan unavailable.

Time persists regardless.

12. Stand still to recover thought.

Thought does not return.

Ambient noise fills placeholder.

13. Attempt substitution.

Treat noise as thinking.

This does not help.

14. Open cupboard.

Close cupboard.

Open fridge.

Stare.

Forget hunger.

Forget choice.

15. Notice standing has continued too long.

Edges flicker.
Process stalls.
No new input.
Movement fails to load.

16. Issue internal instruction: breathe.

Breathing occurs.

Chest tightens.

Next step missing.

17. Attempt movement.

Feet shuffle.

Hands linger.

Apologise silently to nothing in particular.

18. Receive advice from memory:

pace yourself

be patient

listen to your body

19. Attempt to comply.

Instructions vague.

No measurable outcome.

20. Body responds with fatigue.

Mind requests clarification.

No clarification provided.

21. Attempt list again, reduced version:

eat

take pill

call doc—

22. Experience delay between intention and action.

Arrive after self.

Review old errors that cannot be corrected.

Asked to account for missing thought.

23. Mind remains elsewhere.

Tracing conversations that ended years ago.

Unable to catch up.​

24. Attempt to re-enter present moment.

Entry denied. 

25. Notice pain.

Catalogue it briefly.

Forget where the catalogue is kept.

26. Sit down to rest.

Forget reason for sitting.

Hands idle.

Legs ache.

Remain seated.

27. Wait for recovery signal.

No signal received.

28. Attempt reset.

Reset incomplete.

29. Pause. 

30. Remember grief logistics:

dates to hold,

messages to acknowledge,

locations to avoid,

maintain some semblance of continuity.

31. Acknowledge effort expended.

Effort not refunded.

32. Attempt emotional regulation.

Resources insufficient.

33. Cognitive load exceeds capacity.

Reduce expectations.

Reduction fails.

34. Begin again with smaller list:

eat

answer one message

do not disappear

35. Initiate first item.

Sequence interrupts.

36. Lose list between the first and—

37. Pause.

38. Try to finish a thought.

Reach for language.

Miss.

39. Begin again.

Or don’t.

Distinction unclear.

40. Mean to continue.

41. —

​

      [SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING]  

​

© 2025 Hawenayo